Good Answer

I had my second OB appointment on Monday and my cute Mary had to come with me. She was an angel cake and played with all of her fairies on the chair. I knew at some point in this appointment, my weight gain was going to be discussed. My hackles were raised about this even before my appointment because I want to smack around doctors (especially male ones) who harp on pregnancy weight gain that does not in any way affect the baby's health. Now, if there are health issues involved, cool. But if it's a matter of me working off 25 pounds or 45 pounds after I have the baby NO ONE SHOULD CARE BUT ME. Yeah. So I was already not thrilled about this prospect. I know that I have high weight gain during pregnancy...did with both girls. So anyway, having weighed myself that morning and knowing what I weighed at my first appointment, it was going to come up. Here is what happened.

Awesome Doctor: So, looking at your weight gain, it looks higher than we like to see for the first half of pregnancy

Me: Yeah...

Awesome Doctor: But you know, it could just be the clothes you're wearing. You look fine! We're not even going to worry about it.

Okay...love this man. And the baby's heart rate was strong and steady. Ultrasound next Friday!!

Richmond Marathon (November 13)

Our marathon vacation actually began with a marathon. Actually it began with a long drive to Maryland on a very rainy night. After spending the night in Maryland it was back on the road again to Richmond where Tom and my brother-in-law Clint were running the Richmond Marathon. When we reached Richmond it was coldish and rainy. But we checked into the hotel and went to pick up race packets. The expo would have been more fun if I wasn't feeling about to croak with hunger. But food was harder to find than we would have thought. Tom needed to go to a pasta dinner with the marathon team and I wanted to watch my nephew run in the kids 1 mile fun run so I was having some time restraints.

The long and the short of it (mostly the long I suppose) is that we ate at a Dairy Queen which had no chairs or tables so the kids ate on the floor and Corinne and I stood at the tiny tiny counter and at a BBQ sandwich. Then I had to run Tom to his dinner. Then I had to go back to the same place the Expo was and I had a lovely time sitting in traffic. What should have been a 10 minute drive took forty five minutes and I was so harried when I parked that I actually hit the curb and knocked a hubcap off of my BRAND NEW VAN. But I chased down the hubcap, got the kids out of the car and, carrying Mary, actually ran down the rainy road, encouraging Emma to keep up so we could see her cousin cross the finish line. We made it, but barely. I took a few pictures and then Corinne took my kids back to the hotel so I could go back to the pasta dinner and pick up Tom. My word.

But in the end we all got to bed and in the morning I met Corinne for the fabulous Holiday Inn Express free breakfast. The kids drew pictures for the sweet breakfast lady. Then we got our acts together because we wanted to try to see the guys at the 15 or so mile marker. They had drawn us this map and put down the times they should be at each marker. We found a point, drove to it, waited I kid you not for about 5 minutes and there they were!! We saw several WP cadets and also a guy wearing a pink tutu. But our men ran, we cheered. We left.

It was off to the finish line to wait after that. It wasn't super super crowded so we were able to find a great vantage point right by the finish line. It was so good to see them finish! Then we got to go eat a free lunch hosted by the West Point Society in Richmond which was completely delicious. Ah but then it was time to return again and after Tom and Clint were cleaned up we parted ways, but only for a day! Because it was time to head farther South.

Halloween Fun Times

Ah, Halloween. After a frantic Thursday night hot gluing the girls costumes were ready for a super fun Friday night get together at a good friend's house. There was nearly a tragic incident when we left without being able to find Mary's hair flower but in some sort of unfathomable whatever it ended up in my car which makes no sense. But hurray.

Halloween mornings start off with a present from mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and this year it was the Sleeping Beauty Barbie horse for each of them which was the cause of much joy and rejoicing. And I even got them the exact same one and put their initial with a sharpie on the hoof so I wouldn't have sadness about who go the pink one. See, I'm learning.

Because it rained and rained I never got really great pics of the girls in their costumes, but I did the best I could. We were all more than thrilled that Tom made it back from his last fall trip (wahoo!!!) to go Trick or Treating with us. We decided to go on post because apparently the T or T there is rockin. And it totally was. We met up with some super fun friends and did a loop around their housing development all together. The girls were awesome, remembering their thank yous and not being too alarmed by the costumes and decorations. But after a block my tummy said all done so I sat on the porch to hand out candy and chat with my friend. Tom took and the gang left to go around another block and after a while he came back holding Mary and I thought, aw, my baby is tired. Actually what she was was completely passed out. This is at 6:30. So we plopped her down on the big bean bag, let Emma dump her candy with the other kids for sorting fun, and chatted until Emma was falling over and asking to go home. Success? Absolutely! Especially because Emma left like half her candy at our friends'. :) And she didn't even notice!!!

Okay, can someone explain this face to me?
Flower sistersThe twirler
Oh my.
Cute flower Emma
Daddy's home!!
I know this picture isn't great, but I really like it.
Poor sleepy flower

The Red River Valley

This is one of Mary's favorite songs and she wanted to sing it for all!! It's the good night song her uncle Clinty sings her and also she asks me to sing it to her while she gets her back scratched, pretending that she really will go to sleep this time.

This will also help those of you who haven't actually heard her talk hear her lisp...it really is quite wonderful.

Army vs. Rutgers - A Series of Football Miracles

Back at the beginning of football season, Tom and I bought a two pack of tickets to watch some Army football. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Part of the plan was for sweet Lolo to come up for the Rutgers game which, in a strange turn of events/confusion, ended up being a Friday night game rather than a Saturday day game. An 8pm game...and we bought tickets for our children. Oh my. But it was going to be fine. Two adults, three kids, no problem. But then, the Thursday evening before the football game, I got this phone call.

Tom: Hey nen! I have some news.
Me: Is this good news or bad news?
Tom: I think it's pretty cool.
Me: Cool, what is it?
Tom: General Wesley Clark (4 star general, former Supreme Allied Commander NATO) is coming to the game and I get to be his escort!
Me: ...
Tom: Cool huh?
Me: ...
Tom: Nen?
Me: This is for tomorrow's game? The one at night? With the forecast for rain alllll night? And we're taking the kids?
Tom: Yeah...
Me: Oh. Okay.

So maybe I was a bit more emotional than that but that was the gist. So now it was 2 on 2, 8pm kick off, rain literally forcasted for all night long. Bring it.

Thus began a series of quite wonderful miracles to make this night be not completely horrible. Lolo the angelcake was fantastically supportive. I packed my bag (this is purse sized bag cause no bags allowed in the stadium and also no umbrellas) with candy, books, an ipod with 2 sets of headphones, a water bottle, and two little color wonders. I found coats, hats, mittens, etc. for everyone, rolled a stadium blanket with two extra blankets plus a towel, and we rolled. The first miracle was that some fabulous friends let us park by their house which is right next to a shuttle bus stop. Our "parking pass" would have had us park literally as far away from the stadium as possible and still be on post, we'd have to walk over 1/3 of a mile to the bus stop, and about 8 billion people park there. But from our friend's house, it was a 2 minute walk to a covered bus stop and in 10 minutes we were right on the front of a not too crowded bus and a 5 minute ride to the stadium.

Miracle #2 was that this bus happened to drop us off at the gate as close to our seats as its possible to get. There was NO line at security (miracle #3) and the guard who searched my bag actually complimented me on my preparedness and said he wished that he had brought the same stuff I did!

So then came the best part. As we went to our seats (these are bleacher style, no seat backs mind you) We walk down under the second tier (so its ) and stop right before it ends. That's right folks, we were sitting in the one covered area in the stadium. And it turns out the rest of the stadium felt like crowding under there too and at one point I was getting claustraphobic because we were so jammed in there with everyone else (I would say well over 1/2 of who did not actually have seats there) but we didn't get wet. The girls ate their candy, red some books, watched the ipod. Emma fell asleep before the 1st quarter ended and stayed that way until it was time for us to leave. We made it all the way through the end of the third quarter by which time we actually were wet from the wind blowing the rain on us plus we were getting trounced and it was just time. My sickness was becoming a nuisance again but Tom was very helpful in bring us some of the FREE FOOD he was getting as he sat in his nice dry seats with the General. But I'm not bitter. Really.

But the good times didn't stop there. We walked right to the right bus, right ONTO the bus, managed to cut some corners to get back to the van quickly, and were home in no time. Lolo was such a good sport and it actually was lots of fun. Mary was an absolute pleasure and people around us kept listening to her and laughing. She was asking things like, "why is that boy falling down?" "how come they keep landing on theirselves?" and she would cheer when everyone else would cheer. One of the few annoying things was that when Army scores any kid of points they loose of a CANNON SHOT. Yeah, nice huh? And you think I would start to expect it coming but no, I was always surprised and jumped and we tried to cover Emma's ears cause I would NOT have been pleased if she had woken up. But all was well. Thanks Lolo for coming and thanks Tom for the pulled pork sandwich! If only you brought four instead of one... ;) I love you!!

Lawrence Farms Kindergarten Field Trip

I was so happy that Tom was willing to watch Mary for me so I could go with Emma on her first Kindergarten field trip. We were heading to Lawrence Farms, the site of a previous outing disaster with my children this summer. But the seasons have changed and you can't go wrong with pumpkins so off we went.

I went to an entire lifetime of school and only ever rode the schoolbus for sports events and field trips...and I forgot that I hate buses. I wasn't particularly feeling fantastic to begin with and the bus ride added a whole new dimension to my pukiness but we made and the day was overcast and cool and lovely which helped. I was in charge of two other little kiddos plus my pickle. And here is a funny thing. Emma is SO just like me in some ways. She was sooooo concerned that her two little friends stay with us. She would get a a little panicky if they strayed too far...I didn't even really have to watch them (though I did of course!) because Emma was watching them for me.

We picked tons of apples, ate a lovely picnic lunch, went through a hay bale maze, saw some gorgeous horses, picked pumpkins and gourds, and the kids ran like maniacs around the little village of houses. Nobody got injured, I didn't see too many tears, and it was really nice to be able to spend the afternoon with my bean. A shout out to Tom for taking practically the whole day off to watch Mary so I could go.

Going back and back, finding the causes of everything

So that's from the Orson Scott Card book Pastwatch, one of the coolest books ever. I keep thinking about that line sort of looking backwards at the last few weeks...months even. Why am I feeling so just...off right now. Sick, tired, lonely, frustrated, grateful, happy, confused, guilty. But really, the cause of everything right now is this.

Yes, that is the Tolman in progress. I am actually 12 weeks now, ending the dreaded first trimester which was more dreaded for me than either of the other ones. When I got that positive pregnancy test I cried. Hard. For a long time. Because I was scared. I didn't even have the happy at first...not for a while. Tom had no idea what I was talking about when I said, "I'm pregnant" and proceeded to sob like a child. He looked so happy. And then I felt worse because I was just scared. I only miscarried a few months before and this happened so fast. And for those of you who know my obstetric history, fast is not my norm. It took me a full year to get pregnant with Emma and Mary. Twelve blasted months. And for those of you who have had to wait longer maybe it doesn't seem like all that bad. But it was bad for me. And this was two months. Two. And I couldn't just accept that it was going to be fine because it wasn't last time. And so I was scared.

I got less scared as the horrible sickness began, and the exhaustion. And that's what I've had ever since. Happiness mixed in with horrible sickness and exhaustion. And part of me is grateful for it because it helps me feel like this is really happening, that things are okay. But now I'm tired of being sick and exhausted. And therein lies my other issues. I had morning sickness with the other two girls, pretty bad, regular puking and stuff. But somehow it was manageable...like I knew how to have periods of feeling better and I could deal. But this time, I'm having the hardest time dealing. I am actually now taking Zofran to try to not feel so craptastic all the time. But it's not even really working that well. And I get so frustrated because I WANT to be able to just be happy and be a good mom and wife even though I'm not feeling so hot. I mean, I did it before. For the love, I taught early morning seminary while I was pregnant with Emma and I never missed a day. And with Mary, I still was able to feel like I was being good to Emma.

Now every time my kids ask me anything I have to haul myself around and I want to smack myself every time I say, "mommy's trying, okay, she has a really sick tummy." And Emma will pat my arm or my back and say, "Mommy, I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you don't feel good. " When I pictured her starting kindergarten, it wasn't with me bracing myself against the stroller with Mary in it trying to stay upright at the bus stop to get her off to school. I didn't imagine that I would cook maybe one dinner a week, maybe, and gag every time I open the fridge. I didn't imagine going to bed at 8pm and having to put Mary in bed with me (because of Tom's crazy travel schedule) because I literally couldn't be up any more, I was too sick.

I am so incredibly blessed that I have a fantastically supportive family and good friends. People have come to visit me and have put me up when I've come to visit them. I get phone calls just to check on me and no one tells me to shut it when I am venting about how hard things are. I feel pitiful. I mean, I know it could be so so much worse. I mean, my poor sisters were way sicker for this through their entire pregnancies. I am so incredibly grateful that I am having another pumpkin. I wanted this, I prayed and fasted for it. And now here I am feeling all sorry for myself for feeling sick?!! Again, I deal in guilt currency. What's my problem?! See, venting again. Feel free to ignore this post completely. I might just do that myself.

I suppose this may seem like a silly way to announce a pregnancy. I mean, it sounds like I'm all sad about it when I'm so incredibly not sad about it. I'm sad about the periphery...the things that I know will go away. And yet I feel sort of stuck in this moment. And I can't get out of it!!! Oh, name that little tune my U2 fan friends. Ai yi yi.

I haven't blogged in a while...I feel like everything in my life is connected to this baby and how I feel and since I wasn't ready to share with the world I didn't know how or what to write. So now here I am. And I have a few pretty amazing stories to share...one involving an entire cup of coke on my floor. You know what, I'm going to tell that one because oh my. It's good. And horrible.

It was a few months ago, at the beginning of this. When I was not only nauseous but in incredible stomach pain. Hunger was my enemy and I was hungry. After Emma's ballet practice we stopped at McDonalds to go through the drive through because that was the only way anyone in the house was eating that night (Tom was out of town). So I got happy meals and a chicken nugget meal for me and home we went. As we were driving home I was practically in tears my stomach hurt so bad but the girls really really wanted to have a living room picnic (a we're at home along staple at our house) and I just can't bear to eat a chicken nugget without bbq sauce and it wasn't happening while I was driving so I managed to get us home and our food in the door. I put everything on the table and went to get the ketchup, actually shaking at this point because the pain was getting so bad but I just needed to have them not need me so I could eat my dinner in peace. As I come back in the room I see Mary try to grab her juice box out of the drink tray the held my wonderful cold icy Diet Coke. But that juice box was jammed in there pretty good. Too good. Instead of the juice box coming out, she managed to shake my coke out which hit the dining room chair on its side and the lid came off spraying an entire huge cup of coke all over the hardwood floor, the carpet, the chair, my cabinet. EVERYTHING. Now, I had long passed the end of my rope and so I just started screaming and Mary burst into tears and ran up the stairs. At that point I couldn't even follow her to apologize. I actually ran into the bathroom and locked the door and started crying myself. I came out a minute or two later and Emma just stood there still looking stunned.

I managed to clean the coke off of most everything and pull myself together a little bit. So I went upstairs to apologize to my poor baby. I walked into her room where she was laying on her bottom bunk, sobbing. I stood in the doorway and started to say something but she turned to me, eyes streaming tears and she said "I jutht wanted to get my juith boxth." And then proceeded to break down again at which point I started to cry again and picked her up and apologized about a thousand times for yelling at her. I felt so horrible. She repeated about "jutht wanting her juith boxth" a few more times and I kept saying "I know, I know, it's okay." I got her to come downstairs where I finished setting up the picnic. Then I sat down to freezing cold chicken nuggets with no Diet Coke.

I don't know why I felt like writing that out now...what I mostly need to do is go to bed. But at least I can laugh about it now. It took me a few weeks to be able to laugh about it. It's funny how a little plus sign on a Target brand pee-test can completely throw your world for a loop, and become the cause of everything.